Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
