Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
