but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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