you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
