Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
