You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
