I just cut my nipple shaving
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
