I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
