you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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