Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
