well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
