walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
