he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
