i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
