Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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