I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
