ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
