i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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