man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I think I am morally bankrupt
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
