party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
