He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
