So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
