some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Randomize
