Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
