Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
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And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
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Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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