I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He shit in the fireplace
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
