So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
