I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
