Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
