I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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