I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
