I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Randomize
