tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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