i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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