She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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