i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
