The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
