dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
