i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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