I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
