haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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