I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
