Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
