well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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