Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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