I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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