Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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