In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
It's not a walk of shame if you run
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
