I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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