Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
