I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
