If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
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I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
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DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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