Just cropdusted the office
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I wish there were birth control emojis
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
