Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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