You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
