at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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